The age-old dilemma: how do I ditch the 'mother's guilt'?

All Mums experience some form of guilt - it could be a feeling that they haven't done enough for their children, the fact that they've gone back to work and their kids are in childcare, or that they are doing something for themselves.

In fact, the moment you are a mother, you will have guilt, irrespective of the fact that you are young or old, working or have never worked a day in your life.

Parenting expert and author of Addicted to Stress, Debbie Mandel, reckons we learn't from our mothers and grandmothers that we were responsible for everyone’s happiness. By the same token we were taught to feel guilty when expressed our free spirit or individuality at school (ie. "Don’t show off"). But this kind of guilt just stifles identity and spontaneity. 

“And when we feel guilty, " she says, "we try to make amends by engaging in overworking. This makes most mothers a low priority on the daily to-do list, as they feel selfish do something for the self which does not involve the family.”

So what to do? Well about the only thing you can do to save your sanity is to leave the good-girl zone and get some balance in your life. 

Try these 5 tips on how you can put yourself first. 

Take a break

Looking after children, babies and toddlers in particular, is exhausting – it takes a lot of energy and concentration. Taking a short break each day, whether it's to catch up on your favourite TV show, read a few pages of a book, listening to music, or talking with your partner or husband, can put a long day into perspective and help to re-charge the batteries.

Change your priorities

Learn to say 'no' more. If someone asks you to do something this week that you hadn't planned on – think about whether it will benefit your family. If the answer is no, then say no. You have enough on your plate already without putting yourself under the extra pressure.

Share a problem to find solutions

Accept the fact that you don't know everything and sometimes you just need to ask someone for help – from your neighbour, sister, Mum or friend.

Schedule 'spare time' in your diary

You schedule in a doctor's appointment – do the same thing for your spare time and respect the commitment you have made to yourself by keeping the appointment. Ditch the mother's guilt, and do something you enjoy each day, even if it's only for 15 or 20 minutes. Meditate to music, do some gardening, go for a quick walk around the block to clear your head and get some perspective.

Take small steps to being fitter and healthier

Don't rely on motivation to get you out the door each day. Take action! Research shows that just by taking small changes to what you eat and getting out for a walk each day can mean big changes to the quality of your life and health over time. Going for a run or preparing veggies to go with your pasta might seem like an extra hassle – but exercise and a good diet are closely linked to better mental health. 

Good posture long after the bump has gone

For more than 38 weeks your body went through a dramatic transformation to grow a new life. Early on your waist seemed to disappear, then your belly started to stick out, and then your centre of gravity started to shift forward.

By the time you reached your third trimester, your pelvis tipped forward too, and your ribs migrated to the nether regions to make room for the little cherub. No doubt about it, over nine months your posture changed. And it doesn't just zing back into shape once the little one is born!

So why is correct posture so important?

When the body is 'out of whack' it has to work harder to maintain an upright stance. Muscles that aren't designed to support the body have to take up the slack and they become too tight. As well as putting extra strain on the joints, tight muscles decrease range of movement and pull the body out of alignment. And if that isn't enough, slack muscles tend to tire easily in the attempt to correct things and the body begins to sag. These changes also increase the pressure on the spine and can decrease blood flow.

What does it mean to have good posture?  And how on earth do you get it back long after the bump has gone?

For a start, when you look at yourself from front on, your spine should be nice and straight. This means that:

• your ears should be at the same height;

• your shoulders should be at the same height; and

• your hips should be at the same height. 

Many Mums just assume that this is the case and are surprised when they actually look in the mirror. Check it out for yourself, or even better get a friend to check it for you. While you’re at it, check out your posture from side-on as well. The middle of your ear should be directly above the middle of your shoulder, which should be directly above your hip, which should be above the front of ball of your ankles.

 

Top 3 tips for getting your posture back:

1. Practice good body alignment (as above).

2. Increase your core stability (yes, that means working on those abs and strengthening the back).

3. Balancing opposing muscle groups (ie. chest and back) through strength and stretch routines.

   Join me next time when we look at how to set up and maintain good posture for those everyday things you do as a Mum - lifting, holding and feeding your baby.

The best gift you can give to your kids...is to look after YOU!

There's no doubt about it - motherhood is challenging (and, at times, overwhelming) but it's important not to lose sight of the fact that the best rewards for your family often come by looking after no. 1 - YOU!

Ensuring that your body and mind gets more of what it needs (healthy fresh fruit and vegetables, exercise, relaxation and time out), and less of what it doesn't (junk food, stress, and anxiety) not only benefits you but your partner and children as well.

Why do it?

Exercise is a mood-lifter, provides energy to get through a busy day and also makes for happy, healthy children. When you start looking after yourself – doing the things that you enjoy, and getting into a fitness routine - this becomes a part of your life, your children follow your lead and it becomes second nature to them.

A girlfriend and I made a pact while I lay in my hospital bed after giving birth to baby #2 - to run the Paris Marathon. And enjoy a fabulous tour of France and Italy afterwards. Yes, it would take time to do this. We set a two-year plan in place, knowing that the first year would be taken up with coping with a newborn, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, coping with a demanding toddler as well, and the list goes on....and on.

Eventually, when I did join up with my friends for those long runs in between breastfeeding and sleepless nights, we would constantly talk about running overseas and other adventures. My then Miss-three-year-old would greet me at the front door on return from these long runs with a water bottle in her hand and ask: "what stretches will we do today Mummy?"

Returning home after a running event on another occasion, I found Miss Three running around the backyard marking out a course for what she described as "the Paris marathon".

"Come with me Mummy, and we'll run the Paris marathon", she said. Of course I was delighted to oblige - but did point out that we would need to run around this backyard course the equivalent of 946 times to actually cover the marathon distance (so we may get a little dizzy).

So as you raise your babies, know that your commitment to a healthy lifestyle is more than about looking after you. It's not selfish. You can never underestimate the long-term effects that your happiness will have on yourself and your family.

Studies have shown clear and compelling evidence that – all else being equal - happy people tend to live longer and experience better health than their unhappy peers.

And the world's largest, ongoing household study – conducted by the Institute for Social and Economic Research (SER) at the University of Essex in the UK – has also found that children's satisfaction with their family situation is clearly linked to the quality of relationships with parents, especially their mother's happiness!

So next time you feel the tugs of mother's guilt as you're out kicking goals towards your own health, fitness and happiness - push that thought aside. What you're REALLY doing is passing on all the benefits to your family: good nutrition and exercise habits to last a lifetime, protection against certain lifestyle diseases, positive self-esteem and above all, a happy, healthy Mum ready to take on the challenge.